<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>I am infinite sadness by tiredshimakei</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276487">I am infinite sadness</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiredshimakei/pseuds/tiredshimakei'>tiredshimakei</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Haikyuu!!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Autism, Fluff, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, implied depression</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-03 00:41:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,093</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24276487</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/tiredshimakei/pseuds/tiredshimakei</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>A brief glimpse in Tsukishima's morning and relationship with Hinata, there is literally no plot at all</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hinata Shouyou/Tsukishima Kei</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>96</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I am infinite sadness</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A lot of this based on my own personal experiences and does not apply to everyone w autism,OCD or depression</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Having autism is not a metaphor. Autistic people aren’t more elite versions of the human species. We haven’t transcended human conflict by an ability to view the world more logically. We haven’t reached a higher intelligence. Being ‘high functioning’ isn’t real. It is a classification given to us by neurotypicals because our symptoms don’t inconvenience them. They don’t often see the side of me that is mentally ill because I work tirelessly to assimilate. I’ve been called cold and unfeeling, a serial killer, a robot because I don’t have the same ability to relay my feelings. I feel things the same as everyone else. My heart is big and swirling with all the same feelings as you. It is harder for me to show it in a way that you will understand. Sometimes it's hard for me to show my feelings in a way I understand. People treat me like I have no emotions, like I am a mindless plaything that can be tossed away. It hurts. Sometimes people will get mad at me when I don’t understand what they are feeling. I need people to direct me a little or I will get stuck in place. Everyday I have to consciously put in effort to talk and act like everyone else so people can hear me. I just want to be heard. By the time I am alone I am so tired from a day of presenting that my voice is shot anyways. Typical social interactions are an abstract process that I have to break down and study. It’s a process with steps that I must memorize. Everyday is tiring. I wish I could just be myself but the world doesn’t slow down for anyone, especially for people like me. </p><p>Tsukishima swung my legs over the edge of the bed and blindly fumbled around the nightstand for his glasses. His lungs felt heavy today, every breath a chore and he knew it was gonna be a long day today. He pushed his glasses up his nose and ran a hand through his blonde hair, tugging on the strands. It was getting quite long. </p><p>Kei grabbed my pill bottle, wincing at the rattle of the pills sliding against each other in the fluorescent orange plastic. He placed a blue pill on my tongue and swallowed it down with a sip of cold water. The water was jarring to his body but it felt clean. The blonde imagined it washing away germs and impurities from his system even though realistically he knew that's not how things worked. </p><p>His apartment was silent and still like a morgue. Perhaps it is a morgue. He made his bed robotically and lingered by the nightstand, staring at the glass of water on the table. The cup was smudged with one of his fingerprints. Disgusting. He forced himself to turn away for now and shower to rid my body of all the bacteria crawling on his skin. </p><p>Kei didn’t know how long he was in the shower for but he scrubbed my skin raw. He came out pink, steam rising off the surface of his skin. He felt clean though. Disinfected. He continued his morning routine of making a cup of black coffee and checking his email. The shower made him feel better briefly but the phantom sensation of germs crawling all along his hands came back. He rushed to the sink to wash his hands. He scrubbed at them hard with lemon scented soap. The smell of lemons made him feel clean and pure. He knew a scent itself can’t kill germs but it soothed the creases in his forehead and tension in his shoulders anyways. He washed his hands over and over again. Feeling more frantic everytime. His skin started aching and getting taut from being dried out by the soap and water. The germs wouldn’t go away though. They were tough, they were infecting him, he could feel them everywhere.</p><p>Tsukishima heard his phone ring and was jolted from his manic hand washing. The only person he had the ringer on for was Hinata. He stared at his hands and then shut the faucet off. Kei carefully patted them dry and answered his phone. </p><p>“Hello Shoyo.” Kei spoke, not giving away how poor of a morning he was having.</p><p>“Hey Tsukki! Have you eaten yet?” Hinata’s voice was bubbly and warm. The blonde’s face flushed thinking about the sunshine boy.</p><p>“Uh…no not yet.”</p><p>“Want me to bring something over?”</p><p>Kei felt a cozy feeling in his stomach that fluttered and grew to his fingertips and toes. He smiled slightly and looked down at his feet, wiggling his toes in his socks.</p><p>“That would be nice, make sure to not get lost this time.”</p><p>“Agh! That was one time!” He could hear Hinata pouting on the phone and felt heat in his chest. A happy kind of heat like when you tilt your face up to the sun.</p><p>“Try four times.” Kei scoffed.</p><p>“Whatever Tsukki! I’ll see you soon!”</p><p>Hinata hung up the phone but Kei kept it pressed to his ear. He suddenly tensed thinking about all the infectious diseases that Hinata could be bringing into his flat. He quieted his intrusive thoughts and took a deep breath. He had some work to do, the Sendai museum was opening up a new exhibition and he was orchestrating the process. </p><p>The taller male sat at his desk and opened up his laptop. He had a lot of background research to do before he could get started and had already filled half pages and pages with notes and messy diagrams. Kei also took note of people he needed to contact about budgets and specific artifacts he wanted to showcase. He felt calm and put together again doing this work and was so immersed he didn’t even notice that Hinata came in.</p><p>“Keiiii!”</p><p>Tsukishima jerked his head up and looked around to see Hinata standing by the door with a large paper bag in his arms. Hinata had his signature blinding grin plastered on his face. </p><p>“Hello.” Kei spoke gently before walking over and taking the bag from Hinata’s hands.</p><p>“Is today a touch day or no touch?” Hinata asked looking up at the tall boy. Tsukishima pursed his lips and thought carefully. He felt residual discomfort about all the germs he felt were infecting him and his partner, but he didn’t want to upset Hinata. Shoyo must’ve picked up on his hesitation and nodded quickly, still smiling.</p><p>“Hey no touch! That's ok.”</p><p>Tsukishima didn’t realize he had tensed up but felt himself relax with relief. He set the bag on the counter and began pulling the containers out with gentle hands. His fingers and palms still ached with dry cracked skin from overwashing them. He schooled his expression and gave no indication of any discomfort. </p><p>“Ah strawberry shortcake.” Tsukki noted, a smile in his voice. He didn’t feel the need to force a smile when he knew Hinata understood him so well. He was happy to be himself in the smaller boy's presence. </p><p>“I’m going to shower okay?” Hinata said glancing up at Kei. Kei nodded in acknowledgment. He knew Hinata was only showering right now for him. To cleanse himself of outside impurities that prevented Tsukishima from being able to relax fully. </p><p>Tsukishima’s mind is like a museum. Each exhibit, each individual artifact, is a learned experience. Whether it is a facial expression that he memorized as being happy, a phrase that indicates being exhausted, a shift in tone or physical gesture. There are designated spots on how to be aware and attend to others needs. There are entire rooms dedicated to a person’s memories and what they mean in an organized manner. Of course there is a room dedicated to Hinata. At this point it might as well be a whole entire other museum dedicated to his orange haired boyfriend. Every expression and its subsequent meaning, every memory, every like and dislike. Kei essentially constructed a shrine to Shoyo. A museum for the sun. </p><p>Tsuki picked at the food before pushing it aside to get at the strawberry shortcake. He was grateful for how understanding Hinata was. He took a bite of the cake, listening to Hinata’s voice singing over the sound of the shower water. A dark flush spread across Kei’s face and down his neck and shoulders. His affection for Shoyo was overwhelming, he felt itchy and weird as anxiety raced across his skin.</p><p>His love for Hinata was strange and confusing. Kei felt undeserving of his boyfriends attention and was often plagued by this concern. It doesn’t make sense based on his observations. He has seen relationship dynamics and he takes much more than he can give. He heard the shower stop and glanced up to see Hinata wrapped in a fluffy towel, his hair dripping.</p><p>“Squeaky clean!”</p><p>“Even between your toes?” The blonde said with a slight smirk. Hinata pouted playfully and stuck his tongue out.</p><p>“Yes stupid.” He turned around and went into Kei’s bedroom to get changed into clean clothes. He walked, back out in a large dark blue sweater that hung to his thighs and a pair of Kei’s sweatpants that he cuffed at the bottom.</p><p>“You look ridiculous.” Tsukishima noted. His tone was deadpan but Shoyo knew he was being affectionate.</p><p>“Hey! I don’t have anything of my own to wear here.”</p><p>“It wouldn’t be a problem if you were so small now would it?”</p><p>Hinata giggled and shuffled over in the baggy clothes. “You like that I’m small though Kei.” He looked up at Tsukishima through his eyelashes. “Touch or no touch.” He asked gently.</p><p>Kei looked over his small figure, he felt much better since he showered and was wearing his clothes. </p><p>“Touch is okay.”</p><p>Hinata slowly reached his arms around Kei and buried his face in his abdomen. He kept his touch light and slow, to avoid overwhelming the blonde. Tsukki rested his cheek on the top of his head and inhaled his scent. He smelled like Kei’s lemon body wash. Hinata pulled away after a moment and reached for Kei’s hands. <br/>“May I put some lotion on your hands?” He asked with wide eyes. Kei nodded and grabbed an unscented hand lotion for Hinata to use. Hinata didn’t ask why his hands were dry and inflamed, he squeezed lotion on his hands and warmed it up. The orange haired male gently massaged the lotion into his hands, pressing on his palms and rubbing in slow circles. Kei watched silently as the lotion dissolved into his skin. He relished in the feeling of Hinata’s touch without being overwhelmed. It felt nice to be treated with such care and he scrunched his nose at the feeling. </p><p>“I missed you! Tell me about the exhibition!” Hinata spoke cheerfully, his voice muffled slightly from his face being tucked in Kei’s shirt. </p><p>Kei reached down and lifted Shoyo up and walked to the couch. He was basically a lump in all the extra fabric and he wrapped his arms around Tsukki’s neck carefully. Tsukishima began rambling openly about everything he has been doing regarding the exhibit. He relaxed into his boyfriend, feeling calm and at peace. Hinata nodded and commented in acknowledgement and was careful to not interrupt. Kei slid his cold hands under Hinata’s sweater and pressed them on his stomach to warm them up. Hinata squealed and looked up at his tall lanky boyfriend in mock anger. </p><p>Kei was quick to jerk his hands back, worried he upset his boyfriend.</p><p>“No no! It's okay, you can keep them there.” Hinata assured and gently pulled his hands back under the sweater.</p><p> Kei relaxed and wiggled his fingers lightly along his fair skin. He traced the words for ‘I love you’ on Hinata’s skin, unable to speak the words out loud. Hinata squirmed blushing but continued to listen attentively to Tsukishima speaking.</p><p>The blonde took note of Hinata’s playful angry expression and hung it up on the wall in his mental museum. Hinata reached up and placed his fingertips against his temple. This was Shoyo’s nonverbal way to tell Tsukki he loved him.</p><p>Kei felt relative peace with Hinata. He knew things weren’t perfect. That he was neurodivergent and struggled on a daily basis. But he felt confident in their love for eachother. He smiled at Hinata to acknowledge that he understood, all the while thinking of ways he could reciprocate. </p><p>For now he was happy curled up and basking in the love of his own personal sun.</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>